Awareness is always the beginning of change. Just figuring out that something is bothering us or that there might be *gasp* other options available other than the ones we’ve chosen for most of our lives – kind of a big deal, that. Unfortunately, awareness of the places we’d like to change can also be a source of immense, stymying frustration and self-abuse rather than the aid to personal transformation that it has the potential to be.

The reason for the frustration is that awareness gives us that first bit of internal distance to step back and consider our actions and their effects. All well and good so far – without that distance, we’d just continue mindlessly doing without thinking, “oh, I’m doing this,” – but without some careful nurturing of ourselves at this point, that self-awareness becomes a poking, nagging, itching reminder of all the changes we’re not making. At which point it dons a evil twin gotee and becomes self-consciousness, that paralyzing bastard who keeps us from doing anything because, “what if it’s the wrong thing?”

But don’t despair, citizens! We can help keep from slipping into self-consciousness by approaching awareness as a process rather than a end unto itself, i.e. “I’m self-aware now! Why am I not different already?”
Look, things broken down into numerically-sequential-steps! One of our favorite things!

1. Okay, okay . . . I know I do this.
Awareness at its most irritatingly general. You know that you do or think things that you’d rather not. You probably don’t have a clear idea of what you would do or think instead (yet), or what triggers those actions, but that’s okay – this is just the first step. All that’s important is that you know that there’s something you’d like to change. It’s the beginning.

The unhelpful story we can tell ourselves at this point: I always do this. I’ll always do this.
The helpful story we can tell ourselves instead: This is the first step. It’s okay if I don’t know exactly when I do these things or what I’d like to do instead. This is just the beginning. Just knowing this much is a big deal.

2. I can’t believe I just frakking did this again.
Hindsight awareness. Hands down (or pants down, whatever’s your fancy) the toughest step in the process, because while you now recognize specific instances of the behavior you’d like to change, it’s after you can do anything to change it. You’re already floating in the effluent sea of its effects, ladling judgment after judgement upon yourself. (Hmm . . . that image is . . . odd, but I’m sticking with it.) This step is the most difficult in which to be compassionate and patient with yourself, but where it’s the most necessary. These patterns of behavior are often things we’ve been practicing for a long time, and it’s going to take some time to shift. Rather than berating yourself, this is a good time to examine the specific circumstances that triggered these thoughts, feelings and actions. That self-knowledge has a lot of worth in this process.

The unhelpful story we can tell ourselves at this point: Why can’t I stop doing this? There must be something wrong with me. This is just the way I am.
The helpful story we can tell ourselves instead: Remember when I thought I did this all the time? This is better than that. It’s helpful to know specifically when I’m doing these things for the next time, even though this is hard. It’s okay, though, this is just the next step. I’m doing all that I am able to do.

3. Um, I’m doing this right now.
The fulcrum point of awareness. This is the place where you can decide to do something different. Of course, knowing what you don’t want to do and knowing what you want to do are not the same thing. You want to be intentional about where you go from here, not just blindly fleeing what you’ve done before. So something that will help this step along is to think through or write out what you’d like to do instead, and have that as a focus, a go-to. If you’re having difficulty thinking of your new direction (not a Glee shout-out) in the moment, give yourself a little space. If you’re by yourself, there’s no rush. If you’re with a group of people, step outside, go to the bathroom, clear your throat, whatever. If you’re with someone you love and trust, talk it out with them – it builds intimacy. The beauty of this step is that within this moment of awareness, you can simply stop, and then choose.

The unhelpful story we can tell ourselves at this point: OMG! I have to pick the right thing to do right now! Don’t screw it up, don’t screw it up, no don’t do that other thing, don’t do that other thing . . . everyone’s watching and judging me . . . aaaaahhhh, the pressure . . . *panics,then faints*
The helpful story we can tell ourselves instead: Okay, so I’m doing this right now. First, I’m going to stop and breathe, then I’m going to [insert space-giving technique] to give myself a moment to remember what I want to do instead. Nobody’s going to care. There’s no rush.

4. Okay, I can see that coming.
Prescient awareness, in which we hone our psychic . . . wait, no. That’s something else. This step is actually only sometimes available to us, because it relies upon our knowledge of upcoming events. Remember that knowledge of specific triggering circumstances you so arduously developed during step 2? Of course you do! This is where that pays off. If you know of an upcoming situation – trip to the grocery store, family visit, work environment, etc – that has triggered this behavior for you in the past, you can prepare yourself. And just to be clear, preparing doesn’t mean trying to anticipate everything that could go wrong. Rather, it just means going into the situation eyes wide open, carrying in your mind the intention of how you want to be that you developed during step 3. Intentional, not anticipatory.

The unhelpful story we can tell ourselves at this point: I have to figure out each and every way things could go badly and have a response ready for all of them or I’m going to backslide.
The helpful story we can tell ourselves instead: I don’t have to anticipate anything. I just know that the situation can trigger things for me, and I want to be aware of that and hold on to my intentions of how I want to think and act.

Some closing thoughts – for all that I laid this out numerically, we may shift back and forth between these steps. It’s not “1, 2, 3, 4, I’m all better!” The steps are simply a framework that I’ve found helpful, something to give what we’re experiencing some context, some direction. In my own life, I’ve found myself moving back and forth between steps 2 and 3, in particular, many times. It’s okay.

Also, I know that being loving towards ourselves can be really difficult (If there was an html tag for understatement, I’d put it here). If you’re struggling with being compassionate or patient with yourself, try this: picture yourself at a young age and speak to yourself as though you were trying to comfort a child. It’s often easier to be loving towards others than it is ourselves, and making that other a child keeps us from trying to comfort with reason, which in my experience is not all that effective. More exploration of that topic in a future post.

Until next time, my peccadilloes.
- Logan

I thought I would take the opportunity in this inaugural post to answer some common questions that I get asked when I tell people that I am a life coach.

1. What is this “life coaching” of which you speak?

Seems like a fair place to start. Life coaching – at least as I practice it – is a process where I meet with clients on a regular basis to talk through areas in which they’d like to make changes in their life, help identify what’s currently keeping them from making those changes, and work out how to make those changes in an effective manner. Usually we do this over coffee, but I’m not picky – any fair trade, naturally grown, locally roasted bean-based beverage will do, really.

2. So we meet and you tell me what to do?

Ah . . . no. I know, I know, the word “coach” has a lot of connotations to it that involve yelling, gym shorts and whistles. There are certainly life coaches who do take a more aggressive stance with their clients, but I prefer a more reflective approach. Primarily I try to listen and give my clients plenty of space in which to unpack whatever’s on their mind. Then I will ask questions based on what I’ve heard to make sure I’ve understood clearly what they are trying to express, which usually helps clarify things for them as well. There’s no yelling involved, very little whistling, and I only wear 80′s-style gym shorts on request. And above all, I don’t tell my clients what I think they should do – I help them figure out what they want to do, and how they want to do it.

3. That sounds a lot like therapy – how is this any different than going to a psychologist?

Well, there are some similarities. But while psychology concentrates on therapeutically examining the past, and psychiatry centers around the diagnosis and treatment of mental illness, life coaching focuses on exploring the present and envisioning the future. I like to think that the three professions are complementary, offering different lenses of understanding through which to view ourselves depending on our present needs.

4. Where do you meet your clients for sessions?

I do find myself at coffeeshops quite a bit. I find that meeting for coffee keeps things low-key, casual. We’re just getting together to work on a project, after all – even if that project is building self-awareness or changing particular personal habits. That said, I want to meet my clients wherever they feel comfortable. I’ve met in homes, at delis, in parks – it doesn’t matter to me as long as they feel as though they are in an environment that is safe enough to discuss whatever is on their minds. Sometimes clients like to meet in places that remind them of their goals, to help them look forward. If my client isn’t local to Nashville, I also offer online sessions through Skype or other popular video chat applications. And some really, really unpopular ones as well.

5. If I was interested in life coaching with you, how would I go about that?

Well, first we would meet up for a free initial consultation, thirty to forty-five minutes, and talk for a bit. I’d listen, ask questions, and learn more about what changes you would like to make. Then I would talk through my approach with you and we would see if it is a good fit for your needs. Finally, if we are in agreement about working with one another, we would decide on how often we would meet. And that’s it. Simple, no pressure. If you would like to schedule an initial consultation, email info@sandrocklifecoaching.com.